Are you on Facebook? Of course you are. Everyone and their grandmother is on Facebook. I mean it. My grandmother is on Facebook.
I’m just saying, aside from the holdouts (ahem, my brother), everyone is on Facebook. And everyone has their own Facebook personality. If you are on Facebook, you know this. You know the types. You’ve seen them, you’ve chuckled at their statuses, you’ve “liked” them, you’ve blocked them from your new feeds because they are annoying the everloving heck outta you.
For your convenience (and amusement), I have grouped them into a few categories. In no particular order.
First, we have the Happy Facebooker. This person is always very happy and cheerful and loves! Everything! About! Her life! Or his life, but come on, Happy Facebookers are almost always women. Their statuses always say something like, “Had the best meal with my husband and kids at Arby’s tonight! I love my life!” Or, “I can’t wait to go shoe shopping with my children! And then to the pediatrician! My kids are so precious to me, and I thank God EVERY DAY for them!”
On the other end of the spectrum is the Calamity Facebooker. Calamity Facebooker loves to keep us informed of the crummy and bizarre things happening in his/her life. “I have a raging case of strep and there is nothing good on TV!” Or, “Just left Waffle House and they were out of orange juice. My breakfast was ruined!”
My personal favorite is the Passive Aggressive Facebooker, who has beef with somebody out there in the interweb, but good luck figuring out whom. Their statuses read along the lines of, “When somebody really cares about you, they will MAKE TIME FOR YOU!!!” Or “It’s nice to know who my REAL FRIENDS are.” You will read these statuses and find yourself frantically wondering if you have done something awful to this person without realizing it.
We also have the Political Facebooker, who loves to post news articles (bonus points if their inflammatory!) and then engage in debate with random people with whom they went to junior high. I have blocked most Political Facebookers from my news feed, but this being an election year, there will be more Political Facebooking than you can shake a stick at.
Also of note is the Facebook Food Lover. This person loves to photograph his food and upload it to Facebook. Be it a fried Three Musketeers from the state fair, or a plate of steamed mussels from some restaurant in Pittsburgh, this person is posting about it.
And finally, the Fabulous Facebooker, who is always posting vacation photos from Cabo or Spain and is always wearing expensive sunglasses. The Fabulous Facebooker posts statuses like, “Alec Baldwin just bought lemonade from my kid’s lemonade stand!” along with regular photos in which Fabulous Facebooker is posing with her (or his) fabulous friends. They are all drinking fabulous drinks by their fabulous pool, and you are not invited.
So what is your Facebook personality?
(Betsy Swenson can be reached at firstname.lastname@example.org.)